迷。

都33歲人了，

為什麼還老像個誤入叢林悵然失措的小白兔？

我也不明白...

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一直想找答案。

可是難道就有答案嗎？

如果不找答案，那又該做什麼呢？

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只是不想浪費了自己的人生...

已經33年了，我為自己做過什麼了嗎？

選擇。

要成為

一個心靈貧乏的有錢人

或是

一個心靈富足的窮人。

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為什麼一定要是這樣的選擇題？

maaji說，我要去找到更"高"level的人，不要再和這些水準的人混在一起了。

而這些人，真的存在嗎？

就算他們真的存在，他們會願意摻我玩嗎？

說到底，是對自己沒有自信。

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背水一戰，加油吧。

再不出走，就真的一輩子也不敢走了。

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Miles asks Peter Parker when he’ll know he’s ready to be Spider-Man. 

Peter replies, “you never know. It’s a leap of faith”

- "Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse" 

傻。

对世界和人性期待太高...

我真是个傻子...

退。

挑战，全身而退。

------------------------------------------

为什么只是要退出而已都那么有挑战性....

War。

All of the sudden find myself in war.

Oh. Great. What else has god planned for me?

Bring. It. On.

These are all gonna be lessons.

七十八个月快乐。

就算你是那个，
乱七八糟，丢三落四，反反复复，糊里糊涂，
一直让我忍不住念念念的maaji，
你依然是全世界我唯一想要的maaji。

七十八个月快乐。

Done。

I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done.

给自己一个重新开始的机会。给自己一个不后悔。

怕，当然怕。可是难道就这样一辈子了吗?

不。

给自己一个新的角度看世界。

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Question 1: Why not?

Question 2: So what?

抗。

为什么总需要摆出与世界抵抗的姿态?

是形势必然或纯粹搞错焦点?

心累。未来的路该怎么走...

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I need a vacation... a long long long one, before I breakdown。( T ^ T )

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我明白。这一切都是最好的安排。

这背后有很大的议题要去探讨。

以为已看得很透彻，原来只是皮毛。

当真真切切的问题蹦到眼前，原来是这样的。

还嫩呢。人生，只会越走越难吗?

一路走来，几乎丢下了所有的快乐。

有一些什么错了。这些都是很好的提醒。



I need a break...

Blossom。

I will.

每一段关系，都可以学到一些什么。

而有些关系特别虐心，大概是要学的特别多吧。

毕竟人类是一个那么爱自寻烦恼的物种。

有时候会想哭。

可是却没哭出来过。

也许心里非常清楚知道，哭了，又怎样呢?

所有的问题还不是一样冷眼看着你。

"哭完了吗? 还不快来解决。哭屁啊。"

困惑。不困惑。

实在很困惑，这世界，
一个人，对另一个人的期待，到底是什么?

常常都会发生让我很诧异的事情。

成长背景吧，让我总是很注意别人的期待，
然后就会莫名地想是不是要勉强自己去迁就。

莫名其妙。

够了。谁在乎你的牺牲呢。
我家里那两个都不care了。

很多时候逃避沟通，因为很恐惧有很多人是无法沟通的。
情绪大过于道理甚至一切。我家就两个很好的例子。

如果全世界所有事都专注在情绪为先那就真的世界大乱啦。

希望可以训练自己凡事先专注于自己的需要为先。
不喜欢的就潇洒地说no。

人生，不是就该活成自己喜欢的样子先吗?
到底在綁手绑脚什么。

没谱。

活了33年，
一直都努力思索想理出个所以然来。

可是，原来，真的，
这个世界，人生，
根本就没有一个谱的。

所有的教诲和循规蹈矩，都是个屁。

想做什么，就放胆去做吧。

Life goes on.

Well... I guess, it is how it is. Isn't it?

Live my life.

My life.

---------------------------------------------------

By throwing me into a totally different environment,

By showing me what I am not good at,

By showing me people who I have never imagine they do exist,

I think life is really trying to teach me something...

Sane. Insane.

Is it too much to ask for the world to be a bit more sane?

Yes, it is.

Maybe I am the one who is insane.

ISTJ。

For reference. Me, ISTJ.

The ISTJ personality type is thought to be the most abundant, making up around 13% of the population. Their defining characteristics of integrity, practical logic and tireless dedication to duty make ISTJs a vital core to many families, as well as organizations that uphold traditions, rules and standards, such as law offices, regulatory bodies and military. People with the ISTJ personality type enjoy taking responsibility for their actions, and take pride in the work they do – when working towards a goal, ISTJs hold back none of their time and energy completing each relevant task with accuracy and patience.

ISTJs don’t make many assumptions, preferring instead to analyze their surroundings, check their facts and arrive at practical courses of action. ISTJ personalities are no-nonsense, and when they’ve made a decision, they will relay the facts necessary to achieve their goal, expecting others to grasp the situation immediately and take action. ISTJs have little tolerance for indecisiveness, but lose patience even more quickly if their chosen course is challenged with impractical theories, especially if they ignore key details – if challenges becomes time-consuming debates, ISTJs can become noticeably angry as deadlines tick nearer.

When ISTJs say they are going to get something done, they do it, meeting their obligations no matter the personal cost, and they are baffled by people who don’t hold their own word in the same respect. Combining laziness and dishonesty is the quickest way to get on ISTJs’ bad side. Consequently, people with the ISTJ personality type often prefer to work alone, or at least have their authority clearly established by hierarchy, where they can set and achieve their goals without debate or worry over other’s reliability.

ISTJs have sharp, fact-based minds, and prefer autonomy and self-sufficiency to reliance on someone or something. Dependency on others is often seen by ISTJs as a weakness, and their passion for duty, dependability and impeccable personal integrity forbid falling into such a trap.

This sense of personal integrity is core to ISTJs, and goes beyond their own minds – ISTJ personalities adhere to established rules and guidelines regardless of cost, reporting their own mistakes and telling the truth even when the consequences for doing so could be disastrous. To ISTJs, honesty is far more important than emotional considerations, and their blunt approach leaves others with the false impression that ISTJs are cold, or even robotic. People with this type may struggle to express emotion or affection outwardly, but the suggestion that they don’t feel, or worse have no personality at all, is deeply hurtful.

https://www.16personalities.com/istj-personality

超脱。

停止对钱焦虑。把事情给做好，钱自然会来。

超脱。别再被纠缠。You don't bother me。

Don't wanna be a rat in rat race。

Who。

Who I have become after so many years here?

Who I have become growing up in environment like this?

Enough。

Why would I, letting this, to ruin my life?

Can I, stay calm and firm, to live through this?



Enough.

Dream。

How to keep my energy level up? That's the biggest question now.

I firmly believe that I can create more great things. That's why I am living.

Not to forget the dream.

Got it or not, it really just depends on how much you want it...

Be firm。

This is your life.

F*ck all these people.

Do what you want.

Now what?

定下心来。

计划九月离职。没有很焦虑，反而有点雀跃。是断了财源没错，可是我好想好想去explore不一样的东西哦。创业? 兼差? 好兴奋。只是书应该念不成了。总要取舍。

屋子买了，只是不懂几时会拿到钥匙。晕。目前很兴奋地想办法以最少的钱完成我梦想中的房子。好开心。

看muaji什么时候比较有空吧。来个放松小旅行。国外旅行也暂时不用想了。暂时玩够啦，要取舍。

要想办法去运动。我的膝盖已经在警告我了。自己在家运动我真的不行，做不到。认真考虑sign up一个课，看来看去，最吸引我的竟然是burlesque哈哈。虽然有点排斥瑜伽，不过好像是目前来看最适合的课啊，只是买装备好像会有点小贵。。。

好想看书。好久没有好好看有用的书。现在只看得下小说。。。感觉好面目可憎啊。

离梦想中的生活还是很远。自己也不知道自己在蘑菇什么。其实，只要去做就对了。顾虑太多了。从每天早上起来的那一刻，是谁说你不能做你想做的事呢?

33岁了。还有什么想完成的呢? 想想。

Damn。

Not in the right state of mind.

Losing track.

When you find yourself chasing behind something every fucking moment.

When you feel like your life is like a pile of shit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

But do always bear in mind, your "a pile of shit" life, is what many people in the world dreaming of.

I shall appreciate. I shall put myself together and work this out.

六十九个月快乐。

这世界上，只有一个人，会一直问我: "开心吗~?" "会饱吗~?" "有睡好吗~?" "有放空到吗~?"

这世界上，只有一个人，会让我放空到做出各种蠢事，然后跟我一起大笑，笑出眼泪来。

这世界上，只有一个人，跟我一样，贪恋彼此的拥抱。

亲爱的，六十九个月快乐。(月份多到我心算不到了...)

乱。2018。

2018就在泰国夜市购物广场7/11街边小吃拉肚子上飞机下飞机拉肚子看医生上班上课带爸爸去中医带妈妈去复诊给学生气上课拉肚子很累一直睡不够算钱排行事历唏哩呼噜地过了十一天。啊，还有忙着回复agent银行律师valuer的电话和讯息，blur blur地处理买房子的事。买个小小的旧房子，银行就空了，恭喜发财。

仍恍惚中。看着乱糟糟的行事历，忙的都不是自己的事。烦死了，脾气暴躁。

感谢对我最包容最包容的muaji。如果你像我一样那么爱碎碎念多多要求又脾气不好我们应该早就完蛋了吧。谢谢你总耐心安抚乱发脾气的我。